I have never been the person able to write out my thoughts & have it make sense on paper so other people can understand what is going on inside my head…
This post is unfortunately, no different. Sorry.
I have probably sat down a dozen times & stared at a blank page trying to write everything out, but for some reason I can’t seem to do it.
But I will try my best to leave it all out there (& have it make sense) because I need an outlet for all of my thoughts/feelings.
So I’ve had a couple of weeks to reflect on what will soon be another ending to a chapter in my life: graduating college.
That feeling of being done with school forever hasn’t really hit me yet & as it gets closer & closer, I still feel nothing. I keep thinking that Spring semester will end, Summer will be awesome, go back to school in the Fall & repeat. No, that’s not whats going to happen because after they call my name & I walk across that stage it’s over.
It’s crazy to reflect on how far you’ve come. I still remember my days in elementary school, middle school, high school, & the last four years. Time really does fly by & the sad reality of it is: I can’t go back & press the repeat button.
With school there was always that certainty in my life. It was that sure thing that was always there when I woke up in the morning. & now that school is out of the picture, that certainty has turned into uncertainty. Having that uncertainty scares me because I’m being thrown into unknown territory & life can be really nasty. It’s like driving down a long dark road with no street lights or head lights. I don’t know if I will be driving down a clear path or fall to my death off of a steep cliff. Me being me, I’m a person who needs that certainty in their life. I need a clear road map planned out for me to know where I’m going or I need that verbal promise that everything is going to be okay because without either of the two, I feel lost & I don’t know what to do.
For me, I never imagined myself being where I am today. Never really saw myself as being an “adult.” If you know me you know that my personality pretty much resembles a big kid & I like to live in the moment & take life one day at a time. Don’t get me wrong I still have dreams, goals & I plan ahead, but that planning ahead never really prepared me for the reality of “you are no longer a kid.” Because this is pretty much where my life begins. What I do now will determine everything that will happen to me in the next 30 years & I don’t want to screw it up.
It’s like that quote from One Tree Hill: “It’s the oldest story in the world. One day, you’re 17 and playing for someday, and then quietly and without you really noticing, someday is today, and then someday is yesterday, and this is your life.”
I don’t know if I am ready to go out there & start the rest of my life. My only hope is that school has given me the tools that I need to make it out there in the real world & my biggest fear is that they didn’t. I’m scared that I don’t have those tools to make it & I can’t go back to school to learn it again.
At the same time I know this is a time for celebration as well. 22 years of all-nighters, papers, tests, & telling myself I couldn’t do it is finally being rewarded with this last piece of paper that represents me & all the hard work I’ve put in.
As scared as I am, all I know is that I have to keep working hard & not give up because opportunities will find me I just have to meet it half way.